Job 12:10 (ESV)
In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.
Working in the ICU has forced me to face the fine line between life and death. The first few encounters with losing patients was difficult. I would lie if I said I was okay and accepted it because that is the way of life. It hurt so badly to think of what the family felt; the pain, the grief, the finality of death. I have personally experienced those feelings, maybe too much at a young age, and my heart ached for those families.
As I have said, it has been two years now in the ICU. Why am I still here? My family and friends ask me this every time I am upset about losing someone. It’s a good question. Why would anyone put themselves, voluntarily, in that kind of environment?
Through the tears and stress, I have found a better strength in my faith to God. Sounds cliche right? We call upon Him in times of stress, not peace. Maybe it is cliche and predictable, but with Him I am still in the ICU, playing with medications and monitors. Prior to being a nurse, I said, “God determines when it is your time to be with Him.” Sure, I said it; I’m not sure if I really believed it. Maybe if I said it enough I would believe it. I lost people close to me too soon as I thought. How could a loving God make me hurt so much? It was confusing, and I was naive.
God does work in mysterious ways, and we as unknowing humans will never understand exactly why. However, I do theorize that if I hadn’t personally experienced death and grieving, I would barely be able to relate to my patients and families. That hug and those futile words of encouragement would have been semi-empty. Now, more than ever, I put my faith in God. He does work in mysterious ways, and His hand is the life of every living thing. That is how I keep my sanity; that is why I am still an ICU nurse.